


Gold Leaf

by predatoryfox



Category: Freakytits - Fandom, Joan Ferguson - Fandom, Wentworth - Fandom, joan ferguson/vera bennett - Fandom, joan/vera, the freak - Fandom, vera bennett - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-06
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-04-25 05:25:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 15,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4948351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/predatoryfox/pseuds/predatoryfox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A gold leaf can be brushed over any surface to make it more attractive, more glamorous, but underneath the shine there can still lay something broken and tarnished.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ifitbelove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ifitbelove/gifts).



Intro:

Joan Ferguson stood staring down at the items in her hands. She was unsure why she thought this was a good idea. This was not her, this was not something she did, and it made her skin crawl to think that others thought that it was. The music pulsing throughout the shop assaulted her good taste. She had entered this luxury bath and body shop with utter trepidation, but knew she did not drive two cities over and then sit in her car talking herself into this for her to bail and not follow through with the plan.  
The place smelled of patchouli, which made her nose curl when she entered, but she had read online that this place carried quality products and she knew would only buy what would be worth every penny. Joan held up the bath oil in one hand and the shampoo bar in the other. They boasted promises of relaxation and soft complexion. She could not discern what made these products worth it, she was a woman of practicality. She could not see why someone would take the time to do more than a simple wash, but she knew that some women enjoyed feeling treated and pampered.

A young woman approached her with hesitation, "Can I help you, ma'am?"

She caused Joan to startle slightly. She now wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. "Yes, bring these to the cash. Do you have candles? Nice smelling ones? Bag one of those up too." She strode over with open wallet to the counter and refused to give the cashier eye contact as she put the purchase on credit. She snatched the bag and exited before anyone could ask her to smell something or, god-forbid, merrily suggest she test some sort of foul lotion.

Before she drove home, she had to make one more stop. This one made her even more uncomfortable than the first. She would honestly rather stab herself in the eye than run this next errand because with it came touching and decisions and snide looks from bitch sales women who thought they ran the world. She would make herself though, because all this was for a greater plan, and if everything was not perfect it would not be worth the effort.

The sales woman had to stand on a stool to wrap the measuring tape around Joan's chest. Joan's clenched her jaw to the point that she felt pressure behind her eye. She was a Governor for Christ's sake; people trembled in fear at her mere presence. There must be some more dignified way to figure out what size lingerie she needed. When she entered this establishment she had scoffed at the idea of needing help, but after standing and looking at the racks and racks of finery, a young clerk had worn her down and escorted her to a fitting room. Joan cleared her throat a little too abruptly and loudly when the tape pulled taunt. "Good, lord" she mumbled under her breath.

Joan drove home, feeling tense and exhausted. She had a bag that contained things of a delicate nature, which was against her nature, all wrapped in tissue paper, as well as a bouquet of white freesias. She wished she'd thought ahead to pay someone to do this for her, but now that it was done she would at least never have to venture down this road for a good long time.


	2. Chapter 2

Vera recoiled quickly as the knife she was using slipped from her grip and fell to the ground. She had been packing her lunch for work and had let her mind wander. She woke up feeling sorry for herself that morning and was finding it hard to get through her routine . She knew she was old enough that this day should be like any other day, but to her it was a marked occasion that should be celebrated. She knew that unless she went and got it herself, there'd be no birthday cake and certainly no surprise party. Even having her mother complain while they ate a more formal meal together would be better than nothing, but she was gone too. She looked down at her sad little lunch and furrowed her brow. _Get over yourself, Vera._

When Vera got to work, she signed in at the visitor's desk, and made her way to the staff room. It was empty which Vera was actually glad for, because it meant that she didn't have to make small talk. She busied away to herself making a cup of coffee, reading the notes on the cork board and waiting for her shift to start. She had come quite early just so she didn't have to be alone in her big house. How lonely was she that she'd rather be among the crackling of walkie talkies and shouts of inmates instead of being stuck in her own mind.  
She figured it wouldn't hurt to start her shift early, so she went to her locker to change to her simple heels she kept there and put her purse away. Taped to the inside of her locker was a picture of a mouse wearing a birthday hat, its face covered in pink frosting. Vera smiled. She wasn't sure who had put it there, but it meant that someone had known what day it was and that gave her the pep that she needed to walk the halls feeling cared for.

Nearing the end of her shift, Vera was exhausted. Her throat hurt from needing to spend quite a bit of her day shouting during multiple scuffles that had broken out, and the heat of the day had made her hair nearly plaster to her scalp. She just wanted to go home, take a bath and eat a box of chocolates in front of a bad romantic comedy. "Vera, to my office." The Governor's voice crackled through her walkie talkie. She didn't sound angry, but she did sound insistent. Vera sighed and rubbed at her eyes. She hoped Joan didn't ask for her to take a second shift. Vera let herself in to the Governor's office and waited patiently while Joan was finishing up some paper work. With her head still down, Joan waved to the chair as an invitation for Vera to sit.

""I saw on your file that your birthday is today, Vera." Joan said finally with a smile. "Tell me, do you have any plans?"

Vera almost lied and told Joan that she was going out with friends, but she knew better than to try and convince Joan that she led a life outside this prison. "No, not this year. I should have planned better, really."

Joan leaned across her desk and put her hand out in an offering gesture. "I'm sorry to hear that, Vera." Vera smiled with a blush.

"It's okay, really."

A month before, Joan had reached over with the same gesture and Vera, without thinking, had put her hand out and grasped Joan's. It had only lasted a millisecond but it had caused Joan's eyes to widen every so slightly. Vera had been with Joan for an evening debriefing and they'd had a few drinks. Joan had allowed herself to truly laugh and Vera had the courage to be a bit charming and a delightful banter had been batted back and forth between them. Vera had apologized for touching Joan, but Joan had simply said, "Don't apologize. It was nothing."

"I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, Vera. That's all. How about you take off an hour early. I think you've had a hard day, no?" Joan dismissed her with a soft look.

Vera thanked her and went back to the staff room. She changed back into her running shoes, and took the mouse picture off her locked and put it in her pocket. On her way back to her car she noticed a piece of paper blowing in behind her windshield wiper. _If you don't have any plans, you're welcome to join me for drinks tonight after 9. - Joan_

 


	3. Chapter 3

On her way home from work, Vera decided to stop in to a cafe to treat herself. She felt the need to tell the cashier as she was handed her iced coffee that it was her birthday and she would be spending it with a friend. The cashier smiled politely at her, but Vera realized that saying it aloud made it real.

 _Friend. Was that was Joan was? Yes. Her friend. Hers._ The thought made her smile.

The minute Vera walked into her house, she stripped down to her delicates and kicked her uniform in a pile by the door. It was so uncomfortably hot and she was glad to be home where she could air out in private. She opened the fridge door and closed her eyes as a waft of cool air hit her skin, which rose into goosebumps. There was no one to tell her she should use a glass instead of drinking straight out of the orange juice container, and so she did. She picked a few blueberries out of a bowl and popped them in her mouth, and headed to take a cool shower to refresh herself.

While brushing out her wet hair Vera wondered if she should call Joan to confirm that she was indeed invited over to her house. A message left on her car though must mean more than an empty pleasantry, shouldn't it? No, she would just show up with purpose. It was just drinks. They were work colleague; friends. Then why did she feel the need to pace and stare at the multiple outfits she had laid out on her bed. She thought again of that night where she had touched Joan's hand out of instinct.

They had been laughing together, Vera had felt comfortable enough to lean back in her chair and unbutton her shirt at the throat. Joan had a very dry wit, and once she got going she was really quite funny. It was a huge change from the serious and intense Joan that patrolled the prison halls. Vera had leaned over an patted Joan's leg, "you're too much!" she had chuckled. Before Vera had time to realize what was happening, Joan had leaned over and kissed her. It was awkward and unsure.

Joan had apologized when she pulled away, "That was unprofessional. I don't know what came over me." She ran her hand over her bun. "I think maybe we should call it a night, Vera, don't you?"

At work it was never discussed again, and at further debriefings Joan had kept her distance. Vera assumed it really was a mistake, but she had seen the look on Joan's face after she had pulled away. Her eyes had been afraid but for a mere moment. Vera hadn't kissed her back, but she hadn't been the one to pull away either. Today though, the hand gesture, the offer for drinks. A meeting without professional obligations, alone outside of the prison together. It was creating butterflies in Vera's stomach.

Vera paced. She had put on and removed makeup multiple times and it was quickly approaching 9 o'clock. Birthday drinks. The last time she had gone out drinking for her birthday, she had come home missing one high heel and had ripped tights. That was over a decade ago though, so she was really unsure what the protocol was now. Should she take a cab? Packing an overnight bag was presumptuous, but she thought it best to pack a toothbrush. Just in case. At the last minute, before she left to the honking cab, Vera ran back to her room and threw a pair of clean underpants in her purse. She'd read that it was the thing to do in a woman's magazine when she'd been at the doctor's office.

 


	4. Chapter 4

The fact that she had invited Vera over was a big step for Joan. Putting herself out there with the option to be rejected was something she tried her utmost to avoid. She was the type who demanded, not asked, and so it was very possible that Vera would not come and all the preparations would be for naught. A panic gripped her when this was a realization and she had to close her eyes to regulate her breathing and concentrate on her heartbeat. She thought back to that awkward kiss. She had been the one to pull away; Vera had not kissed her back. Vera hadn't said anything though regarding that event, so she hoped that Vera had simply been unsure of Joan's intentions. She could not think of anything that she could give Vera that didn't not seem saccharine or impersonal, and so she thought the best gift would be to give herself. To give the option of herself, anyway, if it was wanted. Joan could honestly not think of a gift more personal and more outside her comfort zone, but it was what Vera deserved. She had grown very fond of Vera. It had a very, very long time since she had had any feelings for anyone, but the way that Vera looked at her with admiration, respected her, trusted her and laughed made Joan feel complete.

Joan knew that to put aside her need for control, to let herself be vulnerable, she would have to get unbelievably drunk. She believed that no one ever did something drunk that they wouldn't do sober, but her need for absolute command ran so deep in her that it was part of her DNA. Vera did so much to please her, and she tried so very hard to please her. Joan mostly took it for granted, but she also knew that good behavior needed positive reinforcement at times for it to justify itself. Joan was just unsure how she could disentangle herself from what she knew, to allow herself to be open to what Vera could have from her.

It was on her third glass of wine that Joan felt ready enough to go to her room and strip. She stood and looked at herself long and hard in front of the mirror. She had spent so long in this body and she still could not accept it. For so many years she had to put up with jeers, insults and jokes. These things had hardened her to the point that her exterior was like polished stone, but her mind was like Kintsugi. Instead of gold though, there was cyanide and tar painted over with leaf. The liquor had allowed her though to look at herself with a disassociated stare. She could simply look and trace the scars that she had endured. _Would she want this? Me?_

It wasn't until she had dressed herself into the lingerie that she had bought that she could look at herself and see that she was surprisingly attractive. Her underthings were always beige or black and for practicality. She fingered the cream and charcoal lace that enclosed her breasts and then cupped them. Not having children had allowed her body to stay in fairly good condition, but she was so much older than Vera. Vera, to her knowledge, wasn't even attracted to women. _What am I doing?_   She realized then that this gift of herself was actually more for her than for Vera. If she could acknowledge these feelings and have them reciprocated it would give her power over her own sexuality in a way that was both tender and comfortable.That was something that had seemed distant and outside her grasp for her entire life.

She had to allow Vera to see her, but she hoped that she would not see her like Joan saw herself. With a deep sigh, she pulled a thin dress over her head and smoothed it down her legs. It felt a bit like she was preparing for a battle, but she had to be prepared to take the fall. 

It was while Joan drank yet another glass of wine and her head began to spin that she heard a knock at the door. Joan swerved to the door, wine glass in hand, her eyes bloodshot.  She opened it and looked down with a smile that only liquid courage can provide.

“You’re drunk!” Vera exclaimed in surprise.

Joan’s hair was falling out of a messy bun and her bare legs rose up to a stop at her short black dress. “Don’t…don’t ruin this.” Joan slurred slightly. “Happy birthday”. Vera glanced over her shoulder to make sure no one had seen and took Joan into the house by her elbow.


	5. Chapter 5

Joan looked down at Vera through her wine glass, which was now quite empty. She pursed her lips, and found it hard to say anything that would seem right in this moment. Vera looked at her questioningly but said nothing and an awkward silence hung in the air as they stared at each other in Joan's foyer.

"You're here," Joan finally said.

"I-I brought a bottle of wine." Vera held it up momentarily, but thought better than to pass it over, considering Joan's state. Vera could not believe how unabashed Joan look standing before her. Gone was her starched uniform and austere demeanor; here stood Joan with wisps of hair falling around her face, gazing down with a lazy grin playing on her lips.

Joan held out her arm, "please, bring it to the kitchen." She let Vera lead the way. 

Vera stopped in her tracks, in shock. Laid on the table were bouquets of white flowers, chocolate truffles, a mountain of berries and a charcuterie and cheese plate. The lights were dimmed above the dining table. It looked romantic. It looked like Joan had really put some thought into this.

Vera blinked hard and turned to face Joan, "what's all this? I thought you just said drinks?"

Joan put her hand to the small of Vera's back and pushed her forward, "Surprised? Well, don't read too much into it, Vera. It's your birthday. It's just my way of saying thank you for all you do for me. Sit." Joan moved ahead and pulled out a chair for her.

Vera sat and turned her head to look up at Joan who was still standing there, leaning against the table. "Thank you. This is too kind" Vera gushed.

Joan smiled and patted Vera on the shoulder, "it's nothing. Would you care for a glass of wine?"

Vera nodded and reached across to help herself to a chocolate while Joan left to get another wine glass out of the cabinet. Out of the corner of her eye, Joan could see Vera sucking chocolate off her thumb in such a way that made her wish that she was both the melted delight and the thumb. She had to clear her throat despite herself to regain some composure.

They sat across from one another, Joan forcing herself to continue down the slippery slope of intoxication. It was obvious that Vera was trying to catch up a bit so that Joan wasn't alone in her inebriation. Joan's cat-like smile grew wider and more obvious the longer she was able to listen to Vera tell stories in her sweet voice and emit her laugh which was sometimes like tinkling glass. It was a truly wonderful sound to Joan's ears. The crinkling around her eyes were the sign that she was relaxed in this moment with a person who allowed her to knock a few bricks out of the wall she had built.

Joan had been leaning over Vera's chair to pour from a fresh bottle of wine when Vera had put her hand on Joan wrist. "Enough?" Joan asked.

"Thank you for all of this." Vera's hand tightened on Joan's wrist. "I feel...special. This is really, very nice." Joan's eyes closed but for a second, sensing the touch and wanting to touch back but knowing this was not the time to do so.

She waited for Vera to remove her hand before setting the bottle down. "Vera, how about we take a walk in the garden? The moon is out and it's a beautiful night. I think it would be beneficial to get some fresh air. I'm feeling...light-headed."

Without waiting for an answer, Joan opened the patio door and walked out barefoot into the night.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Vera took her glass and followed Joan out into the heavy night air. The humidity of the night made her thin cotton dress feel heavy and unwanted, and she could see ahead of her that Joan's curves here hugged by her own clothes, clinging with sweat. The heat hung like a wet blanket, but the air was perfumed with flowers as Joan turned to smile at Vera. "I think I may have drank too much. Come, I want to show you something."

Vera let her toes drag through the grass to tickle the bottoms of her feet. It was nice to be out in the night, feeling a little drunk. She took in the beauty of the flora that surrounded her. Fierce Joan had something of a green thumb it seemed.  

Joan stood by a flowerbed that held oriental lilies and bent at the waist to pick a large white one. She turned and motioned for Vera to join her. 

Joan slipped the flower behind Vera's ear. "This one is called Carte Blanche. There, it suits you." The meaning behind the name of the flower Joan had chosen for her rang out like a bell in her mind. _Oh?!_

Vera reached up to touch it delicately and then finished the remainder of her wine. She thanked Joan, and they continued in a slow even gait down the hill towards the treeline of Joan's property. Joan took the time to point out the more beautiful flowers and told Vera their latin names like it was nothing. 

Joan realized that in describing one of her hobbies, she was opening herself up to Vera in a way she had not done before. She could feel pride that the hands that could do such damage could also be capable of cultivating such beauty.

They walked side by side, the silence expanding to fill the void separating them. It wasn't until they reached the wisteria tree that Joan stopped and reached up to brush her fingers along the hanging branches.

"Did you know that the Japanese have a lovely symbolism for the wisteria?" Joan commented. "They think of them as a portrayal of sensitivity, bliss and tenderness."

"They are very lovely," Vera agreed.

"You're very lovely." Joan whispered into the hot, dark night.

Vera couldn't help but turn her head and smile secretly to herself. Who was this Joan?

Joan had finally reached a state where the wine had loosened her tongue, but her mind was still in control of her actions. It was in this state that she had been aiming, and it was delightful to feel free to say what she liked without a current worry of repercussions.

Vera had the moon reflecting shadows off her face in such a way that Joan wanted to reach down and cup her cheek, but she kept her hands to herself. Vera had given her touch, her thanks and kind words but Joan still could not read if the feelings she held inside could be thrown into the ring with the guarantee of acceptance. It was in that moment that she felt the slightest touch along the side of her hand. Vera's pinky ran up alongside Joan's in a whisper of an embrace. It tentatively curled so that it hooked around Joan's and there it stayed. There they stood in the heavy humidity, connected through touch but without the words for what to say.


	7. Chapter 7

Joan wasn’t sure how long it was before the silence was broken. It felt like an eternity where she held the tension of restraint. This gift, this touch; she did not want to take more than what was being offered. “About what happened in my office?”

“Yes?”

“I…I’m not sure why I did what I did in that moment.”

Vera retracted her hand then and took a step to the side. She realized that this could be a giant misunderstanding and she’d taken a chance that was being politely refused. Reading Joan was always so difficult. She kept so much to herself. Sometimes Vera thought that Joan held up a hand of cards close to her chest, but instead of clubs and spades there was an array of emotions like old Greek theater masks; the player’s poker face experienced and sure.

“No. Vera. I mean…I meant.” Joan shifted uncomfortably.

“Have a made a fool of myself? Joan, please be honest.” Vera could not will herself to look up at her.

"No." Joan get out an exasperated sigh, "No. It's not that. It's..." She rubbed her hands over her face. Joan was so frustrated because she was a well-spoken woman and she was unable to form the words she needed to tell Vera that she wanted to lay her down in the grass right then and explore every inch of her.

The wine was still affecting her ability to think completely clearly, and she wasn't sure if she should stop drinking for the night or break open another bottle. With a groan she sat down on the lawn. "I'm just sorry I kissed you in my office." Joan finally managed.

Vera's heart dropped. She closed her eyes and willed herself not to snap back an answer that could hurt just as much as she felt at that moment. "Maybe I should go."

"Vera. Wait." Joan turned her head so she could look up at Vera. "Please, let me finish."

Reluctantly Vera sat but far enough that Joan could not reach over and touch her. "What are you trying to say, Joan? Because what I'm hearing is that you like sending very mixed messages."

This was true, Joan thought, but not to Vera. Not intentionally. "Look..." Joan moved over closer to Vera and she could feel Vera's tension. "I regret doing that because, well, it wasn't the right time. Vera, look at me."

Vera snapped her head to face Joan. She noticed then that Joan was trying very hard to articulate herself. The light from the moon picked up the lip bite and and furrowed brow. Vera softened a bit. "What are you trying to say? Just tell me."

Joan leaned herself over and connected with Vera's lips. It was tentative, and non-demanding. There was an awkward moment where they stared at each other with surprised eyes before Vera closed her eyes and relaxed. _This was what she wanted?_ She pulled away slightly for a moment and they shared the same breath in silence. 

"I wanted to make sure it's what you wanted, Vera. I wanted to make sure I could have you freely," Joan murmured against Vera's mouth.

_It is what I want. I want Joan. I want her._

Vera put a hand up and cupped Joan's face and initiated the next kiss. This one was more demanding as Joan parted her lips slightly, but not before smiling against Vera's wanting mouth.


	8. Chapter 8

The kisses were slow and tender. Joan's fingers ran through Vera's hair, Vera's hands were pulling her closer. It was a melding of two lonely souls. Joan could feel a swell within her of longing, but also a sense that in the moment things were out of her control and she was oddly at peace with it. It was blissful to simply sit hip to hip in nature and enjoy each other in such a personal way.

In what seemed like the right time to pull away, Joan smiled at Vera. "I have something for you."

Vera went to lean in again to gather more of Joan's touch and smell, but Joan pushed herself to her feet. "No, really. I have something for you. Come.

Joan didn't even think to wait for Vera to catch up as she made her way back into the house, she was too excited to do something romantic for Vera to prove that she did care for her. At the last second she thought called over her shoulder, "just wait in the living room. I won't be long."

It wasn't until Vera heard water running for quite a long time that wondered what Joan could possibly be up to. She walked around Joan's magazine-like living room, fingering the books and picking up Joan's personal photographs to stare into a younger, softer looking Joan. Just as she dusted a fingertip over a smiling Joan, she felt a hand on her shoulder which caused her to startle and nearly drop the picture frame.  
"How old are you here?" Vera asked.  
"Nevermind that, Vera." Joan took the picture of herself in a happier time and placed in face down on the credenza. She took Vera's hand and led her away and up the stairs.

As Vera walked through the entryway to the bathroom, she turned to Joan with a surprised look on her face. 

"I drew you a bath," Joan tried hard to hide her excitement. 

Vera looked at the claw foot tub and back again at Joan. Her hand fluttered to her throat, "I don't..."  
Joan pushed past her, "There's a candle as well. It says here, 'artisanal vanilla frosting'.'"Joan paused, "that's pretentious". She tossed the blown out match onto the vanity.

As she turned to face Vera she tried hard to read her facial muscles. The seduction of the common population was so foreign, such unknown territory to her. She wanted to give precise directions or take control and physically handle Vera, but this was an experiment in living outside her box. "There's...uh...bath stuff. I'm not really sure. I thought you'd like it."

Vera looked at her feet, "no one's ever done something like this for me. I don't know what to say."  
Joan grasped the opportunity to take control and approached the shy creature standing in wait. "You can thank me. You can relax and enjoy yourself. I want you to take advantage of this offer." Joan smiled gently down at her. "I'll leave, take your time." She pivoted and exited but left the door ajar.

She was able to stand at such an angle in the hallway that she could see Vera slowly start to undress. With a smile, she went back to the kitchen to fill two glasses with some champagne and assemble an assortment of delights for Vera's enjoyment, then sat the table, had a shot of vodka to build courage and waited for what seemed like an eternity.

When Joan felt like enough time had passed and she would not look too eager, she called up to Vera, "I've got birthday champagne. Would you like some?"

No answer came for quite a long time and Joan quickly assumed that the bath idea maybe was too forward, and her attempt at being deliberately provocative was too much. After she thought she'd have to wait for Vera in the kitchen and started the champagne herself, Vera finally replied. "Sounds lovely. Bring it up." Joan really had to hold back the urge to take the stairs two at a time.


	9. Chapter 9

Vera could not believe that she had gone ahead and was now naked in Joan's bathroom. Kissing Joan had been amazing. It was like when she put her mouth on Joan's they knew exactly who lead and who followed, and when they had pulled away to take heaving breaths, their fingers had danced over each others faces, their eyes locked in an intense stare. It was beyond what she had imagined Joan would be like. She had thought Joan would be domineering and overbearing, but it was nothing like that. Outside tonight it had felt right. Like Joan could read her mind, and that brought a smile to her face.

Vera had poured some of the silky bath oil into the steaming water and was reading the bottle when Joan had called up and offered her champagne. She had put the bottle down and slipped down below the water. If she said yes, was she inviting Joan to see her naked? Is that what Joan was after? While kissing Joan she had wanted more, but she was also all so new to this. Was Joan? She blew air through her nose and the bubbles drifting up. She figured she would wait until she couldn't hold her breath anymore to decide what she should say. Was or wasn't she ready to give obvious consent that she wanted Joan in here? Finally, when Vera could hear her heart beating hard in her ears she shot up and gasped for air.

"Sounds lovely. Bring it up." It had come out of her mouth without much thought. _Here we go_.

Vera waited nervously, not sure how to pose herself or what to say when Joan walked in the door. It was when she had wet her hair for the fifth time that she heard a crash down the hall.

"Is everything okay?" Vera called.

"Yes. It's fine." There was a long pause. "I fell up the stairs. There's broken glass. Just stay there."

It had been on the last stairs that Joan's foot had caught and she pitched forward. She tried to save the champagne flutes, but one fell down the stairs behind her and the other spilled its contents on her dress and shattered on the floor.

_Goddamn it._

Vera had called out to her, but it seemed to Joan that admitting that she was turning into a clumsy drunk was not to her advantage. Glass was everywhere and her shins hurt quite a bit. She sat in silence trying to collect herself and think of what to do next when Vera appeared in the hallway wrapped in a towel, her hair dripping.

Joan put her hand out, trying to push Vera away even though she was still distant. "There's glass. You'll cut your feet, please, just let me clean this up."

"Oh my God Joan, you're bleeding!"

Vera had tiptoed through the glass and knelt by Joan, taking Joan's hand.

"Huh, I suppose I am. Please, it's fine. I'm fine." She tried to take her hand away from Vera's. Showing weakness surely wasn't attractive. Certainly not this fiasco she'd caused.

While trying to tug her injured hand out of Vera's, the towel wrapping Vera slid down slightly to reveal the deep gorge between Vera's breasts. Joan couldn't help but cough uncomfortably, which made Vera look down, but she didn't bother to fix the towel.

"Come with me." Vera insisted and so Joan felt she had to follow. Her brain was screaming at her to clean up the glass, but she did her best to ignore it and followed Vera back to the bathroom.

Vera sat Joan down on the side of the tub and used a bit of tissue to wipe the blood from the cut in her hand. "I don't see any glass in there. Where do you keep your first aid?"

Joan had motioned with a nod towards the medicine cabinet but kept quiet. Surely now she'd ruined their evening.

Vera opened the kit and took out an alcohol swab, some ointment and a bandage. As she felt Joan flinch under the sting of the alcohol she thought to look up and saw that Joan looked sullen.

"Does it hurt? Are you okay?" Vera asked gently.

"No. I'm just sorry I took you away from a nice evening" Joan said barely above a whisper in disappointment.

Vera moved her gaze back to Joan's hand and applied the salve and bandage then let go and instead moved her hands to the buttons of Joan's dress. "You're wet," Vera murmured, the red creeping up her neck. She didn't feel brave enough to look Joan in the eye as she began to unbutton each button slowly, like unwrapping a gift with expensive paper. 

Joan had to close her eyes as she felt Vera's small fingers pop open each button with deliberate care. She felt so vulnerable that she wanted to hide. True, she had been sexual with others but it had only been a handful of times and it hadn't been more than a release of tension. It surely hadn't been this.

Suddenly Vera stopped and Joan had opened her eyes to look down to see that Vera was kneeling at Joan's feet and simply looking with her lips slightly parted. "You're beautiful," Vera had whispered. Joan's dress had been opened and her bra and torso were exposed. Joan felt herself flush. She leaned down, cupped Vera's face, and kissed her deeply.

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

After their lips parted, Joan stood and stared at the wall instead of down at Vera, still kneeling at her feet. With a deep sigh, she shrugged out of her dress and let it pool to her feet.

Joan knew from this vantage point Vera could see all of her physical flaws: the soft pillowing of her stomach that no amount of exercise could get rid of; the silver stretch marks on her hips from growing too fast that had never really disappeared; her aging skin; the scars from her childhood. She kept her eyes fixed on the wall trying to convince herself that Vera would see past these things.

Vera's hands glided up Joan legs and stopped, "Joan?"

Silence.

Vera stood and took Joan's hand. "Look at me." She let the towel fall.

"This scar is from when she beat me for breaking her vase. This one here? From mouthing back. I got this one from falling out of a tree when I was 8." She took Joan's hand and put it on her bare breast. "Don't be ashamed." 

"Oh, Vera." Joan finally looked down to meet her gaze, her hand still. Vera's naked body gave Joan a shiver from her core. She didn't think seeing her would make her so nervous. Her thoughts of swanning in while Vera bathed and sneaking a peek had been replaced by this, and this was far better.

Vera was damaged too, but while Joan chose to let it harden her, Vera was willing to forgive. Joan wished she could have done the same.

Vera let go and slipped past her, emerging herself into the tub. She held the shampoo bar in her outstretched hand, surprised at how bold she'd become in the passing minutes.

Joan gathered herself and took the bar from Vera. Without a word, she knelt at the head of the tub and dipped her hands in the water to work up some suds. Considering what was happening, there was not an ounce of sexual tension in the air at the moment. Joan began to wash Vera's hair, her fingers working through the tangles. She was gentle and tender. This act was about caring for her with no undertone.

Vera started humming quietly to herself with her eyes closed. Her whole body sang with happiness. She was so relaxed, so unashamed, so unlike herself and it felt wonderful

"Joan? I'd like it if you got in with me." Vera's relaxation had tricked her mind into thinking she was brave. She was brave in this moment, but only because she did not fear rejection and she wanted to feel Joan against her but without the worry of desperate groping like a man might do.

Joan was surprised at the huge intake of air that pierced the silence. She dropped the shampoo bar in the bath. She had hoped the night would go this way but she had always been the one to attack, to strike when the iron was hot and now when she was here with someone she cared about she found herself unable to become the predator she was. Joan found it also confusing that she was grasping for words but none would come. She could simply shake her head and reach behind her to unhook her bra. Vera was looking up at her, her hair still full of shampoo suds.   


One strap at a time came off and with a bite of her lip, Joan exposed her breasts to the steamy air. She quickly pushed down her silky underwear and stood naked. They both looked each other over, anticipation hanging in the air. Joan finally found her tongue, "Rinse your hair before I get in. There won't be much room with me in there." Vera quickly did as she was told, then moved forward to make room for Joan's long, languid body.

Vera's leaned back into Joan, so small in contrast. She had to chuckle as Joan wrapped her legs over her, "do those ever end?" 

"Hush." Joan had to grin. The contrast between the two of them, skin to skin like this was a bit foolish, but she did like the fact that she could easily enclose Vera and keep her here forever without much effort at all. "Happy birthday, Vera."

Joan wrapped her arms around the small body and settled Vera's head under her chin. She made no attempt to glide her hands over Vera's nakedness. There would be time for that later, but now they just lay together in silence. 

Who would have thought that Joan could be tamed?

_ End of Pt. 1 _


	11. Chapter 11

A film had formed on the bathwater, their fingers and toes beginning to prune before Vera felt confident enough to put her hands on Joan's thighs and turn her head to nestle into Joan's breast. A quiet sigh was the only noise that broke their calming silence. There was no need to fill the air with useless words, when they both knew that there was no longer a urgency to dance the steps of seduction. Their breathing synched and Joan's heartbeat was all that filled Vera's ears. Before she realized it, Vera closed her eyes and quietly dozed off. This was what home was supposed to feel like.

She awoke with a startle and for a moment was deeply confused at where she was. The water, now barely lukewarm, rippled around her. Joan had softly began to stroke Vera's head and hushed her. 

"I didn't want to move you. I figured you needed it." Joan shifted her body and slipped out from behind Vera in one fell swoop. She made her way to the linen cabinet and removed two large eggplant towels, quickly hiding her body beneath one. 

"You're shivering." Joan held a towel out towards Vera while trying not to stare at her bird-like body, slightly trembling in the white concave of porcelain. She leaned in and with a plunging hand, pulled the plug and watched as the water made its emptying tornado by Vera's delicate toes. 

When Joan sat up, Vera was kneeling in the tub, the water draining around her, the towel draped on her shoulders, her damp hair in waves portraiting her face. "How can you be two different people, Joan?" Vera looked earnest, but her eyes questioning and timid. 

"I'm unsure what you mean." Joan stood and put her hand down to assist Vera up and out.

"I mean, how can you be so stone-faced and yet so soft. I feel like I'm seeing another side of you that I didn't know existed." Vera approached inches away from Joan and looked straight up at her. "You're so well hidden. You're so intensely well hidden. Why?"

Joan fixed her eyes on Vera's mouth, unsure of what to say. She herself was unable to understand why she kept her vulnerability locked away in the depths of an uncrackable safe. 

Vera had walked forward and put her arms around Joan, pressing her face forward into Joan's chest. "Why? I need to know what I've done to see this side of you."

Joan stood in shock; still without the power to put her thoughts into words. How could Vera not know? Very gently, Joan brought her arms forward and pulled Vera into her in an embrace. 

"There's a part of me that's somehow broken. I need to be how I am. I can't help but be who I am. You though, Vera." Joan paused, "you're the complete antithesis of what I've grown up to become." She brought her hands to hold either side of Vera's cherubic face, "you've made me want to be someone who could make you happy." Joan leaned down and kissed Vera ever so gently and a tingly pleasure washed through her as she felt Vera sigh. 

Their lips parted and Vera pressed her face back into Joan's warm body. "Joan?" her voice came out small.

"Hmm?"

"Would you make love to me?"

Joan gathered Vera up into her arms and squeezed. She did not want to let go. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

When Joan finally willed up the nerve to release Vera from her hold, she held her at arm's length.

"Do you understand what you're asking of me, Vera?"

"No."

There was an extended silence while Vera looked at her feet.

"But I do know that I need you. I want to be with you."

Joan firmed her grasp, her nails digging in slightly and contemplated what she would say next. The vulnerability and humility on Vera's face pained her. The following words could irretrievably change the course of their relationship. She could not hurt Vera.

"Vera, there is nothing more I would like in this moment than to be intimate with you, however, you need to understand how this could change us."

Joan took into account that Vera's lower lip began to tremble. She had not lead her on to this moment, that was not it, but if things did not work out she could risk losing her career. However much she wanted Vera, Joan knew that her career came first, however selfish that was.

"You need to understand that this will forever change our dynamic. Vera, are you willing to wager that?"

There was a long pause. Joan released Vera's shoulders and let her arms drop to her sides. Her heart beat in her throat for the fear of what Vera would answer. Either way Joan realized it would break apart what she'd always known to be true about herself.

"Are you saying this to hurt me, to confuse me? Christ Joan, I'm standing here nearly naked in your bathroom. I want you. I want you, Joan."

"Vera," Joan sighed deeply, "I'm saying this so you don't hurt me."

Vera's hand shook as she brought it to her hair, tucking it behind her ears. She didn't know where to look. Where could she go from here. There was no easy to to back up from this situation, but now going forward seemed as difficult as jumping a chasm. 

"You're a complex creature, Joan Ferguson." Vera took the leap and approached forward, leaning her forehead against Joan's chest once again. It was a last act of desperation. Vera needed the tenderness that Joan could give her. Right now, she needed to feel vulnerable despite the outcome.

"Will you take me to bed just this once?" Vera boldly reached around and ran her fingers down Joan's back. She looked up to see that Joan's expression was as lost as her own. "Don't do this to me. Please."

Joan quickly reached up and placed her hand on top of Vera's head protectively, lovingly.

"Vera. It's been so long."

"Please," was all Vera could think to say.

Joan reached down and laced her fingers through Vera's. "Don't let me hurt you."

Vera squeezed Joan's hands. "Take me."

Joan took a deep breath and began the walk down the hall, Vera a half-step behind.


	13. Chapter 13

Vera stopped at the threshold. Joan's bedroom was lush, soft and surprisingly inviting. Beside the headboard were long glass vases, iridescent peacock feathers placed inside. The antique canopy bed stood large, the sheen of highly polished wood glinting in the light. Vera looked up. She could see the stars through the skylight. In that bed, she thought, you could watch the enormity of Space.

Joan had turned the dimmer down on the lights, so a softness fell over the room.

"It's an Aivazovsky." Joan finally said.

Vera frowned for a moment, unsure what Joan was referencing, but followed her gaze to see she was talking about the painting, hung over the magnificent bed.

"It's a single ship in a storm. He makes you unsure whether it will sink in those waves, doesn't he? The water looks so real that if you dare touch it you expect your fingers to come back damp."

Joan turned to Vera and smiled slightly, "are you going to come in?"

Vera took a tentative step forward. She was in Joan's domain now. She had been given access to her most private recess and the privilege was not lost on her. She was not sure why or when this situation became awkward, but now she felt ultimately shy.

Where Vera's towel came down to nearly her knees, Joan's barely covered her. Her long legs rose up and Vera was suddenly afraid that if Joan moved in a certain way she would unknowingly reveal more than Vera was willing to take in in this moment. If Joan was aware of this, she surely didn't show it. She stood staring at Vera with her arms crossed, a slightly confused smile twitching at the corner of her mouth.

"We've lost the feeling, haven't we?" Joan finally ventured.

"It's just..." Vera blushed, "I suddenly feel very shy around you. I mean, this is where you sleep. Where..." she flushed deeper, thinking about the other possible things Joan had even done in her bedroom.

Joan approached Vera cautiously, then put a hand to her cheek. "Vera. Do you still want this?" She brushed her thumb over Vera's lower lip. Vera turned into the warmth and let her lips part.

"Could I kiss you?" Joan's voice a deep whisper.

A noise came from Vera's throat that was neither a confirmation or rejection as she shot up on tiptoes to bring herself closer to Joan's face. Joan leaned down slightly and connected with Vera's lips. This kiss was unlike the others. Somehow there was hesitation. The realness of their bodies in this space had created a prickling in the air. There was a slight fumbling this time about whose hands went where and finally Joan pulled back.

"This is ridiculous. Clearly you want me and I want you. What's going on here? I'm adrift." Joan rubbed her hands over her face with a sigh.

Vera was lost for words. She felt this tension too, and was unsure where it came from. The overall feeling between the two back in the bathroom was lost here. Was it because it was not to be? Were they playing with fire and now that it was a real option, it felt too dangerous?

"Vera, Vera." Joan groaned, "how about this?" She backed up and began towards the bed. "Why don't we sit and ask each other what we'd like and go from here? That way it's like an experiment. A strange experiment in each other. Does that make sense? Am I being clear?"

"Joan, I don't know..." Vera trailed off but began towards the bed.

Joan patted the space beside where she sat and genuinely smiled. "Come now, it can't be all bad. We are both nearly naked in my bedroom. We can take it one step at a time. What the worst thing that could happen?"

Vera sat and swallowed hard. The red that seemed to appear on Vera's neck when she was shy or nervous bloomed deeper. Joan had noticed. She smiled even wider.


	14. Chapter 14

Joan leaned over and put her hand on Vera's bare leg. She squeezed slightly and then stroked, stopping at where the towel reached her naked flesh. Joan couldn't help but smile when she noticed Vera's small legs dangled over the side of the bed, not touching the floor. Joan moved her hand to the other leg and did the same, this time tracing her finger to write Vera's name in cursive. Joan had no idea how to follow through to the next step. Any other time she had been intimate it had been desperate and fast. It was simply to relieve tension, but this required delicacy. She wanted to feel Vera, to experience her and hear every nuance in her breathing, in her movements.

Just when she was about to ask Vera what she wanted, Vera moved sideways and leaned against Joan's shoulder.

Vera cleared her throat in a cough, "Could we try that kiss again?"

Joan leaned in, her fingers curling around the back of Vera's neck, the small, soft hairs tickling at her. She brought Vera close to her and kissed the side of her face, the corners of her mouth. She felt the corner of Vera's lip rise and she pulled back.

"What is it?" 

Vera let out a sigh, "could you use your tongue?" She blushed deeply. "I...I like it. It's nice. It's soft. Please?"

Joan put her thumb to the corner of Vera's mouth and slightly forced her lips apart. She brought her mouth to Vera's and pressed softly up against her. Vera pressed back. This kiss, unlike the others, was extremely slow. Joan would break the kiss to kiss Vera's eyes, the tip of her nose, her neck. Vera's eyes stayed closed, her muscles soft and relaxed. Finally, Joan felt like it was the time to explore Vera. To be inside her in total comfort. Vera's lips parted and allowed Joan to slip her tongue against hers. The softness of each others mouths were welcome caresses. 

Vera brought her hands up to cup Joan's face and groaned as Joan brought one hand forward and tickled the skin between her collarbone. This time she broke the kiss and began to run her tongue up Joan's neck, she let her hands bury deep within Joan's thick hair. 

Vera moved closer, and closer still until Joan backed up and in a tight, hot voice asked, "would you climb on me?" 

She had to hike her towel up, but she gladly moved swiftly. She straddled herself on top of Joan and resumed mouthing her long, tight neck. Having her small weight on top of Joan made her feel powerful. She could look at Joan eye-to-eye and felt herself smile proudly. How had they come to this position, it did not matter, but Vera enjoyed it very much because Joan's mouth suddenly became more desperate and heated. Her hands reached around and dug into Vera's back, and then down to her hips. The towel was bunching. It began to bother Vera as it impeded Joan's hands from touching her. In an instant of insanity she pulled back from Joan's grasping, hungry hands and pressed a finger against her sweet lips.

"Wait," she asked.

Vera reached down, took a deep breath and removed her towel, throwing it to the floor.

"Good, lord" Joan breathed, taking it all in.


	15. Chapter 15

Joan leaned back slightly and gazed at the creature perched upon her. This being that straddled her was not the same doe-eyed woman that had timidly looked up her earlier this evening. No, now there was someone with fire in her belly. Vera's breath came out in small pants as they stared each other down, and when Vera leaned in to kiss her, Joan let her head tip back submissively; offering herself up for the slaughter, and the she-wolf atop her went in for the kill.

Vera started in right in the hollow of Joan's neck, and worked up, stopping to move Joan's stray hairs out of her path. Joan's eyes closed as her mouth parted, a sigh escaping. Involuntarily her legs begin to part; she felt so warm. She couldn't help but fall back on her elbows, and Vera let out a small noise but kept at her, nibbling at her ear, licking along the helix, her breath hot in Joan's ear. She had to keep sweeping her tongue over her lips, the open-mouthed panting was making her mouth so dry. She wished desperately to fill it with Vera's small, clever tongue, but she enjoyed letting Vera have her way more. 

While she had her eyes closed and was focusing solely on Vera's touch, she felt a finger reach down between her cleavage and tug slightly at her towel, still tied fiercely tight to her chest. Joan opened her eyes to looked down and chewed the inside of her cheek.  
"Take it off," she finally exhaled.  
Vera carefully worked the towel open, the slowly peeled it off Joan's body. Her breath quickened as Vera reached forward and with open palms, ran her hands from Joan's shoulders down to the very top of her nipples where she stopped dead. Joan's pupils dilated as she witnessed Vera bite her lower lip and admired the flesh before her. She waited in anticipation for Vera to lean forward and handle her breasts, or take one within her sweet petal lips but Vera only stared. Without permission, she felt herself blush. She could feel Vera wiggle around on her subtly and felt a dampness on her skin. The blush deepened. What was so fascinating about this body?

Finally, she could wait no more and she shot upwards and took Vera in her hands. She spun her around and switched the power dynamic. Now the small woman was beneath her, and Joan groaned as Vera's hips arched under her, a mewl escaping from somewhere behind her soft lips.  
Vera's hair was spread out on the duvet, and she looked like a piece of art. Joan did not waste time using her fingers like paint brushes, leaving hot strokes over her, delighting in the goose flesh her light touches left. She stopped at Vera's small heaving breasts and very gently, with the tips of her fingers, ran her touch over them. Vera squirmed under her with a moan, her eyes fluttering closed.  
"Oh, Joan," she breathed.  
Joan smiled in self-satisfaction and leant down, aiming directly for the rosy pink targets that arched for the caress of her tongue.


	16. Chapter 16

The hard point gave slightly as she circled her tongue around Vera's pink nipple. She sucked gently and moaned as Vera's delicate fingers found their way into her hair and pulled her closer, her body arching into Joan's mouth. She found it hard to keep a soft touch, while hearing Vera's pants and her fingers scraping gently into her scalp. Drawing Vera into her mouth was a far different feeling that having her mouth upon hers, or her tongue intertwined against her own. This was taking a part of her very vulnerable self. This part that was hidden beneath clothing from the world, a part that was covered in shame, and yet it rested softly against the soft muscle of her mouth, her taste buds absorbing and putting every nuance of Vera's taste to memory.  
When Joan raised her head to move to Vera's other soft breast, she looked up and saw that Vera was looking at her tenderly, a few tendrils of Joan's hair wound around the tips of her fingers.  
"This is amazing. You're amazing," she whispered, then closed her eyes and rested her head back on the bed.  
A surge of heat shot through Joan. A proud, pleased feeling washed through her as she leaned down again and took Vera back into her mouth. Tenderly and patiently mouthing at her, while bringing her other hand up to softly caress the underside of the breast that constricted and ached for renewed touch.

Her own needs begin to pulse in her. A dull ache that was beginning to spread from her center into every limb. Every cell of her wanted to be melded with the body beneath her. How could it be possible to want to please and pleasure another human with such fierceness? She had for so long taken pleasure selfishly. Grabbing what she wanted without apology and disregarding the wants and needs of the other physical body participating. How much had she allowed herself to miss out on with another human? How long could she have lived not knowing that she could have experienced this every day if she so chose? Perhaps it needed a life of rushed fumbling, and occasional mismanaged orgasms to allow her to appreciate this all the more. This gorgeous woman beneath her touch, pushing herself against her, her breathing quick with the very whisper of Joan's name escaping her lips in a whisper so low it could hardly be heard. Her delicate, petite body could so easily be damaged by Joan and yet she let herself be trusting and defenseless. A rush of feeling overwhelmed Joan in a moment when she realized how lucky she was, and she groaned into Vera's pale skin. This is all she wanted. This is all she ever wanted until her dying day.

She gently released Vera from her mouth, and began to sweep her tongue around the outside of one nipple, then another. She kissed and caressed with her tongue on the underneath of each breast, tasting Vera's sweet sweat, tinted with the pheromones of sex and desire, then began with soft lips to mouth cushioning kisses down Vera's belly. She could feel the shivers that coursed through the small body, which caused an electrical pulse through her own self. It was as if the two were shooting transmissions between neurons, talking to each others bodies soundlessly but it time. When she reached Vera's navel, she stopped for a second to bite her own bottom lip momentarily before using her tongue to trace circles around it. Dipping in quickly, then leaving a deep kiss against it. This part of the body that connected every woman with her mother before her; this center of every woman that was so plain, so hidden, but so erotic. Joan groaned as Vera's hips began to raise slightly. Her body responding involuntarily to every one of Joan's touches.

Before she went any further, Joan sat up and looked down at the tender creature with a sheen of sweat beginning to blossom on her skin, her bird-like chest fluttering, and rested her hands of Vera's small hips.  
"Do you want my mouth on you? I have to be sure. I want to taste you, but I do not want to unless you are sure. It's been a long time, Vera, but I want to pleasure you."  
The only response Joan got was Vera pushing her head back into the bed and letting out a low moan, her hips bucking up against Joan's, her hands going up to grasp at her own breasts.  
Joan's head bobbed slightly in a confirmation and with a flicker of excitement shining in her eyes, she moved herself down Vera's body and stopped to rest between her thighs. The soft hollow of each of Vera's small thighs called to her like sirens on the rocks.


	17. Chapter 17

Vera squeezed her eyes shut in anticipation, unsure of expectations. Her heart beat loudly in her ears, a dull thrum that did not match the raggedness of her uneven, shallow breaths. She felt that she could hardly breath, she struggled to take air into her lungs, but every time it felt like there was something stopping the oxygen from getting to her lungs, and then to her brain. It was not a pressure around her throat, it was not even a conscious inability, but before she could relax she gasped for air and shot up on her elbows, lightheaded and panicked. 

"Stop," she gasped.

She immediately felt embarrassed. She wanted to allow herself to be open and vulnerable and inviting to Joan, but her ingrained shame was trying to push forth and suddenly she only felt anxiety now that Joan's mouth on her was imminent. All the warmth and desire she felt until now suddenly vanished as she caught Joan's eye and realized that she bore a neutral expression that was presently unreadable. Vera's eyes widened and she felt a desperate need to deliver an apology when Joan gently ran her fingers over Vera's thigh in a way that both comforting and arousing. 

"Say nothing," Joan murmured and backed off from between Vera's pale thighs. She reached over and ,from the large urn beside her bed, she withdrew a single iridescent feather which rested within. 

"Lie back, Vera. Breath in through your mouth and out through your nose," she continued. "I think I understand."

Vera did as she was asked, and accepted and followed through on the feeling that she wanted to close her eyes once more. Suddenly she felt the feather caress the side of her cheek, and she turned into it. It tickled ever so slightly and a bit of her tension already began to ease. The feather brushed up her cheek and onto one ear, the down and across very gently onto her lips. Vera parted them involuntarily as the brushed her lower, plump lip and she shuddered.

"You have nothing be scared about. Not here, not with me." Joan continued her slow journey across Vera's doll-like face, and neck and down each shoulder, taking care to trail the fluttery tip over each part that could be holding tension. 

Vera's face softened, her shoulders moved slightly downwards and Joan took that as an invitation to continue on. She moved in again between Vera's thighs, continuing the movement of the green and purple extension between her fingers, and used the other hand to slowly move between Vera's twitching, aching and warm lower lips. 

When Vera felt the thumb part her and run between her most sacred self, she both moaned and gasped. The touch was exploratory. She was nearly a virgin, and thought that Joan would immediately go for her clitoris, as she was used to when she was with men, so she braced herself, but that was not the case. The finger moved around her, sliding through her slickness and coating every crevice with her own wetness. The touch was so much different than the occasional rushed and fumbling she managed at times in the dark under the sheets. That was always a means to an end. This though, as she opened her eyes a slit, was something for Joan to do to see how Vera reacted to her touch. Joan's expression was soft, but it was also laser focused. The feather continued it's dance upon her and the goosebumps she felt, mixed with the twitching and pulsing she now felt between her legs, was combining and allowing her to soften into a putty underneath Joan's touch. She was no longer frightened, and when Joan's thumb finally brushed over her engorged and aching nub, she groaned low in her throat and bucked against Joan's hand.

Joan took that reaction as a welcome to lower her face, and with a slow broad tongue and a deep inhalation to use all the senses she could, she caused Vera to shiver and squirm and shoot her hands down to push Joan hard into her.


	18. Chapter 18

Joan found she had to stretch her fingers as if she were spanning an octave to keep Vera's trembling upper thighs still enough for her liking. It seemed that no one had ever bothered to let Vera know that using energy to hold down a squirming, arching pelvis took away from the attention that could be focused elsewhere. Still, there was a small swell of pride that was building slowly in the pit of her stomach that she was creating this reaction. She didn't think to ask, but it was very possible that this was the first time in Vera's short sexual history, that this act had ever been performed upon her. The slower and more deliberate Joan's motions became, the more apparent it was that this must at least be the first time that this act had been done on Vera and done with the intent on making it a total act of giving. Joan knew that this meant that she would need to prove to Vera that this act was both sensual and deeply erotic. She wanted this act, and her need to bring Vera pleasure to be the reason that could easily cause Vera's mind to wander off in a daydream in the middle of the afternoon.  
It did not have to be a mean's to an end, and there was absolutely no rush to conclude this act with anything more than a general feeling of warmth and being greatly desired. There was an ingrained need though, just like in most sexual beings, to *want* the act to end in a mind-shattering orgasm, but Joan knew, just like she knew in every facet of her need to control a situation, that control sometimes meant stepping back a bit and letting things happen without pushing. At times, withdrawing control could bring about a reaction unexpected, but nevertheless glorious.  
Joan reached up after trying to learn every new spot under her tongue and intertwined her fingers with Vera's.  
"Squeeze when you find you're enjoying something a bit more than the rest. I know it's a bit," she paused, "difficult to verbalize what one enjoys. I only want to spend time giving you what you want."  
Joan wanted to become an expert in Vera's pleasure, but as this was only their first time together in an intimate encounter, she would instead spend every second learning quickly and urgently what each touch did to Vera's small frame.

Vera's fingers worked their way in and out of Joan's dark tresses and it sent shivers down her spine as she lazily worked her tongue over Vera's soft center. At times Joan would look up to see Vera's eyes closed and her mouth parting, her tongue licking over her lips and soundlessly mouthing "God" over and over again. Joan would find herself grinning slightly against Vera and continued on. It did not take long while listening to Vera's breathing and the death squeeze that would sometimes come involuntarily from Vera's fingers to create an intricate pattern that required her to hold Vera down steadily with her one free hand. She knew Vera was close. She found herself slightly surprised how quickly Vera went from slightly squirming to fully losing control to her body's desires. She did not expect Vera to react so easily to her, and arrogant in her proficiency or not, it had been a very long time since she had laid her head between the thighs of another woman. Perhaps there was a magic between them and she could read what Vera wanted, but then again it was likely just her attention to detail that was paying off. It was this attention to detail, and sense that she knew exactly what Vera wanted that caused Joan to stop right while Vera's hand crushed hers in a tight and prolonged grip to crawl up beside Vera, whose fluttered eyes open to meet hers, and while Joan stared intensely, plunged a single finger within Vera's wet and inviting center. She held the gaze, occasionally leaning in to kiss Vera's heaving and desperate lips, while she pumped her fingers in and out, in and out until finally, with a small whimper and head tilt, Vera bucked hard against her hand and held her breath with a somewhat unwilling pained expression, her brow furrowing ever so slightly. Joan found she also held her breath as she witnessed a powerful explosion flow silently through Vera's body. Her finger held tight within the waves of pleasure that pulsed through Vera's until suddenly, and without warning Vera gasped for air and a single, low tone escaped from her lips.  
"Fuck," then Vera breathed in hard through her nose and let out a strained laughed. "Fuck, Joan. How did you do that?"  
Joan could only lean in and deeply kiss her, feeling both prideful and restrained as she wanted nothing more than to take up residence between Vera's soft thighs again to get the same reaction, except this time more intense and with more vocalizations from the both of them: Vera calling to the heavens and Joan groaning into Vera, her nose buried deep within her folds.

It did not take long for Vera to find herself recovered and found herself straddled once again atop Joan. Joan did not find the need to struggle, but for a second realized she was not sure that the following actions would come to fruition, and so coming to terms that what may happen was a bit startling.  
"You're next," Vera purred, her naked body glistening with sweat and the wonderful afterglow that comes after a warming and pulsing orgasm.  
Joan swallowed hard, then put her hands up to grasp Vera's hips. Perhaps holding her there so she could stare upon her naked flesh would give her a few more minutes before she was ready to have Vera reciprocate. She somewhat hoped that being next did not mean that Vera had to crawl down between her thighs and look upon her. The thought of having Vera look upon her was startlingly terrifying. She could very well hold Vera there and ask her not to, but that could hurt her feelings. The glint in Vera's eye let her know that she was eager to get to know Joan intimately. She could count on one hand the times she'd let anyone see her privately and up close, and yet, and yet, she wanted to part her thighs and have Vera explore her. She felt that Vera, not knowing better, would be more likely to ignore what Joan felt to be not the more perfect part of herself.  
With a deep breath, she cleared her throat and very slowly edged a single finger at a time off Vera's body so that Vera was free and open to do as she pleased. The second Vera moved, Joan found she needed to close her eyes. She couldn't watch what was about to happen.

 


	19. Chapter 19

Vera looked down at Joan, whose eyes were clenched shut. Her brow slightly furrowed but the tightness around her mouth softened when Vera rubbed a thumb slowly back and forth beside Joan's navel. She allowed herself to look leisurely over Joan's body while she did not have those intense eyes staring back at her. It would have been stupid of her not to take advantage of this moment in time when she did not feel like she was being eaten alive by Joan's gaze. 

It looked to Vera like Joan's collarbone had been broken at some point and healed improperly, she saw a few scars by her breasts, slightly raised and faded white, and of course, Vera found herself mesmerized by the toll time takes on a body. By no means was she put off by anything she saw, because although she was a decade of more younger than Joan, her own body had begun its own degeneration. Instead, she saw what her body could look like in the years to come and it did not frighten her at all. She found herself sighing in contentment, because for all the scars, and damage and age, Vera felt like she was looking down at a beautiful woman who had simply lived. If only she could look the same, even if her own body's story was not written by the same hand. 

Her gaze returned back to Joan's face and realized that the tenseness was not only held in Joan's face, but also underneath Vera, which raised a million questions for her. It was almost as if Joan was scared, and if so, how could that be? There had been no hesitation in the movements she had bestowed upon Vera's body, no hint of someone who would nervous while being in receivership. 

"Joan, please look at me," she whispered, barely making a noise.

Joan shook her head in subtle move to one side only and parted her lips, "just," she sighed, "just do it".

Vera was unsure what Joan meant by her request, but since Joan would not open her eyes, she leaned down and kissed Joan's parted lips, softly and without demand. Joan's lips barely pursed in response, but since Vera had not heard a request to stop she began kissing down Joan's neck, sucking gently and tasting her. Vera found that even though a woman's body was totally foreign to her, in fact, all sexual activity that was not done with her own hand was quite foreign to her, she found that moving her hands and mouth over Joan's body felt completely natural. 

She moved down so that she was straddled over Joan's pelvis, and leaned down to trace her tongue between Joan's breasts, taking time to lay her face to one and breathing her in. She could hear Joan's heart beating hard against her chest in a even, steady rhythm. She continued kissing and tasting Joan's sweet skin, dragging her tongue over the contracting nipples and delighting in the texture under her, then running her tongue underneath Joan's pendulous breast. 

She moving lower and lower, her nerves building ever so slightly as she found she had moved farther back and was lying on her stomach between Joan's legs, that she had slowly eased apart. She lay her face against Joan's inner thigh and closed her eyes for a moment, finding she was not ready to look upon Joan. She suddenly realized that perhaps she wouldn't like the way Joan tasted, perhaps she would be scared by all the parts of a woman that were so much more intricate than the simplicity of a man. What if she was terrible at pleasuring Joan? What if she was unable to bring her to orgasm? Her brain started to swirl and a cold panic grabbed hold of her. What if it turned out she didn't like women after all?

She was unsure how long she had laid there, her face pressed into Joan's soft skin before she felt Joan's legs begin to close in on her.

"Vera, come here."

Vera's eyes shot open and she bolted into an upright position. "Yes? I-I-I, I will....I just found that I was..."

"I said come here, Vera." Joan's voice was calm and steady. Vera was glad to find she did not hear even a twinge of disappointment in it.

Vera crawled up and sat cross legged behind Joan, her eyes downcast. "I'm sorry I couldn't. I mean, I couldn't right away. You're. You're just so..."

"Let me stop you there, Vera. I'm actually glad. I have hangups. I felt uncomfortable. I still feel uncomfortable. Do you think you'd like to try something else instead?" Joan's sure voice broke very slightly near the end.

"But I want to!" Vera found herself spurting out, a little too loudly.

Joan smiled slightly and turned onto her side. "You do?" 

Vera felt a blush creep up into her cheeks but stayed quiet for awhile. "Why are you so tense? What do you mean by hangups?"

Joan closed her eyes again and let out a deep and stuttering sigh, "I don't like the way I look. I get pleasure in giving, not receiving. I just feel like I'm not what most people want to look at. I'm too - I'm too. Well, I'm too many of a lot of things." 

Joan sighed again and rested her hand on the curve of her hip. "I don't want to scare you off, since if I'm under the right understanding, this will be your first time with a woman." 

Vera blush deepened because her mind was on fire with the thoughts of Joan's breasts and of Joan's tongue dragging over her lips while her body was being kissed by Vera's inexperienced mouth. She wanted so badly to tell her exactly what she was thinking, "But Joan. You're so...beautiful. I love all of the "too much"."

"Vera, come here and kiss me." 

Vera complied and melted into Joan's grasp that pulled her close to her so that they were lying down nose to nose on the bed. They lay like that kissing tenderly and running their hands over each other, while Vera worked up the courage to finally whisper into Joan's hair, "I love the slope of your nose. I love the curve of your hips and the shape of your breasts. I love your fingers, and your scars and your eyes that always seem to want to eat me alive." Vera moved in and kissed Joan slowly and deeply to prove she was speaking the truth. 

"Most of all I love your confidence and now I see that underneath all that control there is this vulnerable Joan that I didn't know existed. I love that the most. That you can be open and vulnerable for me. It means a lot to me, Joan. So yes, I love all that you consider to be too much. All of it."

Joan let out a small choked noise and brought Vera's face to her shoulder and held her tightly. Vera felt like she should pull away because she could barely breathe, but understood that Joan needed a moment to come to terms with what she'd just been told. Vera was the real thing. She wanted all of what Joan had to offer. The intensity and the brokenness. 

Finally she let go and all tenseness slipped slowly out of her body and evaporated while she stared hard at Vera with a bit of wetness around her eyes.

"Vera, I'm ready. Don't be scared. I understand if it's not what you want, but please, take me." Joan again dropped her legs apart, but this time there was an inviting quality to it and Vera saw that now she was wanted and encouraged. Now Vera felt she was not scared at all.


	20. Chapter 20

Joan felt Vera's small fingers reach down and spread open her sex. Her breath hitched as Vera's fingers touched her for the first time and found great relief when they did not recoil immediately from what she touched. She watched Vera with deep curiosity, her eyes closed with mouth slightly parted. It looked to Joan like Vera was trying to figure out what she should be doing without looking like she was fumbling. It was in an odd way quite endearing, but Joan thought that if she stopped Vera yet again, it may do damage to her pride, and so she decided to lie her head back and stare at the ceiling, hoping that Vera would find herself and that this experience would bring them both closer together. She prayed mostly that her body would allow itself to relax and her mind would not turn to stone.  
More than not, sexual urges were repressed within Joan because she did not want to deal with the intensity an orgasm brought and the crushing emptiness that came after when she found herself alone or beside a naked body that she wanted to escape. Having another body there wanting more from her, wanting closeness, was painful, because Joan never had any intention to create a bond. Coming to orgasm with another person she found the worst, because the feelings of emptiness and solitude were more pronounced.  
Many times when she found she needed to deal with the overwhelming primal urge to release a deep tension, she found herself chasing an elusive orgasm that was always out of her reach, and so she would stop frustrated and tense. During these times, her mind may have been turned to granite because it refused to soften and welcome the pleasure her body so desperately needed.  
This was why Joan had been partially unwilling to allow Vera to know her more intimately, because she did want more from Vera. She wanted to create a meshing of beings, but if her mind was unwilling to let go of its muscle memory and learn something new, she knew she could never allow herself to try this again. Not with Vera, not with another one else. She'd remain sexless forever and it frightened her because she wanted Vera more than anything.

Vera's fingers traced delicate circles around her, sometimes hitting a spot that sent a shiver through her, but Joan found it impossible to speak up and give directions. She just let Vera explore and hoped that Vera would be paying attention to her body's reactions. Finally, the circles stopped and Vera's thumb began to slowly and with a sharp flick began to run up and down her small pink nub which was now quickly beginning to stand at attention. There is was. Joan couldn't help but let out a low moan, quiet but there, and in response Vera answered with her own little mewl then leaned in and kissed Joan's mouth deeply, drawing in her bottom lip and sucking it very gently then releasing and starting at Joan with a certain intensity.

"I want to do it. Please, Joan. I want to kiss you. Kiss you...there." She leaned in and gave a more chaste kiss, her eyes still intense but guarded.

Joan said nothing, but nodded with a deep breath put her hand gently on Vera's shoulder and gave her the slightest push. "Go on."

Vera crawled down and rested on her belly. She kept her eyes on Joan's the entire time and Joan found herself actually wanting Vera's mouth on her. The eye contact that they kept was deeply erotic. It was clear that this time, the tension felt was simply for the anticipation of what would happen. A jolt went through Joan as Vera leaned in and began kissing her inner thighs, tenderly and without rush. One thigh, then the other. It was clear that this time Vera was taking the time to stop at look at her, and yet she continued the sweep of her mouth over her pillowy softness. A deep groan escaped her when suddenly the sweet thigh kisses stopped and Joan suddenly felt Vera's lips kissing Joan's lower lips, mouth open and tongue dragging before moving to a new spot.

"Oh God," Joan whimpered. She couldn't help herself. Vera had found her courage, and her tongue was now on her, slightly hesitant, but it was there, tasting her, coming to know what it felt like to have a woman's most intimate sweetness under her.

Vera's tongue became more sure, stroking becoming more confident by the second and then it stopped as suddenly as it started. Joan's heart rose in her throat. What had happened? She wanted to wiggle her hips to ask for more, but that was below her, and so she waited for what felt like an eternity.

"Jesus, Joan. You taste incredible. You feel incredible."

Joan blushed deeply, and as Vera resumed her ministrations, the blush turned crimson and flushed through her body like wildfire when Vera began kissing her thigh again and mumbled into her skin, "you have nothing to be ashamed of, Joan. It's beautiful, just like a flower." Vera kissed the flower she spoke of and murmured one last thing, "just like an iris".

Joan decided to focus on the lavender flowery petals of Georgia O'Keefe, tinted in a soft pink, so that her mind could stay somewhere safe, somewhere centered and calm as she felt the warmth beginning to build in her. She realized if she focused on the curled petals, she could make her mind stay open and receptive. She _would_ let her body enjoy this. She _would_ let her clitoris sing under Vera's tongue, who was quickly finding ways to send hot bolts of pleasure through her being.

Joan decided to allow her hand to reach down and place it on the Vera's crown and caress it. She made a conscious decision to begin to arch her hips into Vera's mouth so that Vera's tongue was hitting her at just the perfect angle. Abruptly her breathing started to come in quick and sharp pants, and so began the tingling and the realization that her body was cooperating. Finally. Unconsciously a tear rolled out of the corner of her right eye and dripped down into her ear. She couldn't bring herself to move her hand up to wipe it because this meant that her body was wanting this and needing the love that Vera was delivering to her. She'd been waiting her entire life for this connection. How beautiful it was.

She felt her insides begin to twitch and she understood what that meant. Her toes unconsciously begin to point down and her teeth gritted for a mere second.

A deep groan poured forth, "yes, Vera, yessss." Joan's hands found themselves pushing Vera's head towards her, gently but with purpose and her breath came in desperate gasps. She found herself chanting Vera's name over and over, the last vowel sounding slightly haunted until Joan felt a shock and found her lips silently mouth, "Vera, I lo-" but was unable to finish before her entire body seized. Deep within her she was shocked that those words had almost escaped fully, even if they were unheard. She knew that she cared deeply for Vera, but did not know that such intense feelings were bottled up within her. Not strangely, she needed a metaphorical uncorking for her real feelings to show themselves to her. This fact was not lost that she needed someone willing to see her for who she really was to let herself open up.

Vera's tongue kept its repetitious motion and the one orgasm that caused her to nearly black out, rolled straight into another. Joan's body had never allowed this deliverance and she found that it was almost more than her neurons could take. She was slightly worried, while also selfishly accepting every blissful feeling that she may lose consciousness, and just as she felt like she could handle no more, she pulled Vera to her lips and drank deeply from her mouth. She found surprisingly that she could taste herself on Vera, and that she tasted nothing like the mouse who was salty in a way that reminded her of ocean waves.

Joan cupped Vera's face, softly caressing Vera's cheek with her thumb and then smiled ever so gently before pulling Vera to her breast. They laid there like that a long time, Vera listening to the rhythm of Joan's heart and Joan petting Vera's fluffy head, her own soft kitten. 

Finally, Vera whispered into Joan's chest, "Joan?"

"Mmm."

"I want to be able to do that forever."

Joan's heart sang. She pulled Vera into her that much tighter; not wanting to let go. Her mouse, her delicate doll, brought her nothing but joy. Joan's body bloomed with the grand feeling of acceptance and the spiderweb cracks in her brain, those that had been filled with the ugliness, spread. The cracks that had always hounded her and reminded her her whole life of what she could not have and what she could not be, weaved open in a new long hairline shock that etched itself deeper than any other crack had gone. 

"Then you shall." Joan leaned forward and planted a single kiss on the top of Vera's sweet head.

It was not long before Joan noticed the difference in Vera's breathing which meant that she had fallen asleep. Her gentle lover had succumbed to unconsciousness in her arms, feeling safe and secure in the knowledge that Joan would watch over her. She wanted to spend the entire night like this, covered in the naked body of the woman her brought her this new feeling of warmth. Vera didn't know it, but while she slept, Joan began a healing process. Vera had unknowingly started something for Joan that would make her a happier, more fulfilled person. Joan would know love.

The beauty of gold leaf is that is can be brushed over any surface to make it more attractive, more glamorous, but underneath the shine there can still lay something broken and tarnished. Joan had lived her whole life up until this point, continuing to brush over the ugly parts of herself. With a deep sigh she accepted the feeling that was washing over her. A molten liquid pooled forth, filling all parts of the emptiness. The spiderweb line was being filled. Vera filled her. The acceptance filled her. Love filled her. The cracks filled with gold. Genuine and forever.


End file.
